THE FOREVER SHIT PANTS

Jered cursed at his textbook, "the greek gods," he laughed. These long nights were getting to him, he had long forgotten why he chose classical studies as an elective and now regretted it. "Why do I have to learn about a bunch of long forgotten, petty, moody, degenerates, worshiped by people who didn't even wear pants." But Jered would regret those words more than anything. In a flash of lightning, before him appeared a muscle bound figure with the face of an elderly man, dressed in a toga he stood there his skin crackling with electricity. Jered fell back in his chair horrified and unable to speak. 

The being broke the Silence "So you little mortal shit bird, you like making fun of the gods do you, now we haven't been too active of late. Hara has been trying to help me curb my impulses and temper, but this I can not let stand!" 

His voice cracking Jered finally spoke "Who… what are you!?"

"I am Zues, king of the gods, ya little shitburger," he pointed a fat finger at Jered, lightning dancing at Its end, "and boy have you fucked up!" The angry god thought of roasting the pathetic college student right there, but the gods did always have a twisted sense of humour. "You will be punished for your arrogance Jered of Mossbank!" Zues threw his head back and laughed, "You will die Jered!" Jered began to sob as the hopelessness of his situation began to set in, if only he had just done his homework on time, maybe he wouldn't have misdirected his anger at the book. Zues continued, "but not right now, the next time you shit, it will be your last and you will die!"

"WHAT, THAT'S SO UNF-" Jared began to shout, but was cut short as a beam of light shot from the gods accusing finger into Jered's abdomen. He passed out, and awoke later in his dark cramped empty dorm room. 

The next few hours would be ones of panic, depression, and deep thought for Jered. He abandoned his schoolwork. He had been subsiting off of instant ramen, cheap wings, and tacos for the past two days. He knew not when his time would come but it would be today and it would not be pleasant. He thought about calling everyone he loved but what would he say, instead he went to his favourite pub and waited, he thought deeply about his life, what he would have done differently. 

But there was no use for thought like that, "he would make his peace" he thought. So he enjoyed his last beer, watched the end of the game of his favorite baseball team (they lost), and enjoyed to the fullest his last few moments. When the time came and he felt his stomach begin to rumble in that familiar way, he remained where he was seated at the table no need to die alone in a cold dirty bathroom stall. 

"This is where I'll die, content, screw that god, what right does he have!? Oh well it doesn't matter now." He felt the pressure building, with one last magnum opus of a fart, he closed his eyes. Sweet release came quickly as he sat there a smile on his face. At once he noticed the smell, he hadn't thought he would make it this long, the hot sensation was beginning to ruin the moment. The minute dragged on, nothing came no death no darkness, just the waiter with a horrified look on his face. The god had lied, all a cruel joke. Now Jered had been truly humiliated and wished he had actually just died. Instead all he had was a pair of forever pre-shat pants and no dignity. He heard the rolling sound of thunder outside, like chuckling to his ears. "I think I'm going to drop classical studies," he thought to himself. 

The end