TAKING THE LEAP

Many people have been through a divorce, either as the dumper, or the dumpee. The one who kept everything, or the one left with nothing. That’s not always the case of course. Some splits are amicable and equitable, though those tend to be rare.

For those that aren’t, it doesn’t much matter who threw the first piece of broccoli. The food fight has begun, and the lawyers rub their hands in glee at the prospect of another vacation in Mexico paid for by two people who will collectively put out ten thousand dollars in legal fees to determine who gets the antique night table that’s worth fifty dollars tops.

There are as many reasons for marital discord and dissolution as there are for marriage itself. Time goes by, sparks grow dimmer. Each unresolved issue becomes a brick, each brick stacked in front of or on top of another, the wall growing so high and thick between them that neither party can see over or through it. And by that point, maybe they don’t even want to. Some marriages are savable, and with time, effort, and perhaps a bit of professional help, each brick can be tossed aside, removing the barriers between them. Life begins anew.

There are other couple problems though, not about issues between them so much as compatibility, which comes in many forms. Personalities, likes and dislikes, goals and desires, intellectual compatibility. Their approaches to sex and intimacy. Sometimes people marry young, and twenty years later, one of them has grown up, and the other hasn’t.

People frequently blame the mythological “Mid Life Crisis” as the catch-all phrase when one person in their forties or fifties decides it’s time to up and leave, but I personally don’t believe that the midlife crisis exists. People grow and mature. They explore and discover, and with time and experience, they realize what it is they want in life, and the kind of person they want to grow old with. Sometimes, they look at the person next to them and think ‘You just ain’t it’. If you dread being in the same room as a person, it takes a lot of energy to pretend to be happy.

My friend Joel once confessed to me, “I wish I could leave her, but I just can’t afford to. It would completely break me. We’ve been married for twenty-eight years, and I’ve just accepted that I’m going to be miserable for the rest of my life.”

I’d never heard a more pathetic statement from anyone in my life. He had just turned fifty. Why would anyone with hopefully another thirty or more years ahead of them consciously decide and accept that they were going to be unhappy. I told him flat out, “I will not be you.”

I can’t afford it. I’m staying because of the kids. What would our friends say? What will my family think of me? He needs me. I can’t leave him. I’ve heard all of the reasons unhappy people stay, but at what point does a person’s own happiness come to the top of the priority list? Why are their own needs, desires and hopes for the future so unimportant? Sometimes just you realize that it’s now or never and take the leap. That’s what Joel did about five months later. It did cost him dearly, but he’s so much happier now.

The separation and divorce process can drive otherwise sane people over the edge, and for some, well, their behaviour just confirms why their spouse dumped them to begin with. There is no truer revelation of a person’s character than how they conduct themselves during a divorce.

Emotions run high in these matters, especially when one of the newly single people finds new companionship. They have left the marriage, and then, quite by accident and without looking, they find someone new. It always happens in that order, right? Leave first, then find someone? Or at least that is “The Official Story”. The reality is usually the opposite, but as they say, De Nile is more than just a river in Africa.

I’ve heard people say “He or she would never cheat. They’re just not the type.” But there is no type. Just as anyone is capable of killing, most people can be driven or persuaded to stray in the right circumstances.

People typically fall into three groups; those who will never have the desire to stray, and will never succumb to temptation, those who will, for whatever reason, and the last, and likely the largest group, those who don’t fool around, but really want to. This latter group only retains their purity either because no one is interested in them, or they behave due to the fear of the consequences if they are caught.

There is a wondrous artificiality to affairs. The stolen moments when you can’t keep your hands off one another, the excitement of the forbidden, the heart-poundingly lustful encounters. Don’t knock lust. It has really gotten an undeservedly bad reputation. But when the two people are together, it’s all pleasure, all the fun, none of the reality. There are no arguments about the garbage not being taken out, who’s hogging the remote control, why the laundry isn’t done, about who is spending what, of how the kids are doing in school, or whose turn it is to clean up the dog shit in the back yard.

Those who leap from the unhappy marriage to the exciting affair, expecting life to be like this forever are quickly disappointed. Unless of course they rotate the stock periodically.

There are also those happily married couples who engage in what may be called “alternative lifestyles”. Open marriages work for some, but in some cases both members of the partnership aren’t aware of this openness. There are Polyamorous couples, ones with occasional “Hall Passes”, and there are Swingers.

If you’re looking for a gathering of people with open minds and fun personalities, did you know that for the past eighteen years, there has been an event called Miss Kitty’s Roundup, rumoured to be the largest “meet and greet” of Swingers in Western Canada? As you might expect from such a gathering, there is open nudity, and other types of activities, though the wilder shenanigans are supposed to be kept to the privacy of tents and campers. “What Happens At The Roundup Stays At The Roundup” is their Golden Rule. Their website posts a countdown of how many days until the next one, and it is held every August long weekend…just fifteen minutes outside of Moose Jaw.

Not the quiet prairie town some people might expect. Adds more meaning to Moose Jaw’s various mottos. The Notorious City. Surprisingly Unexpected. The Friendly City? Huge understatements on all counts!

But whatever your lifestyle, whatever happens between two consenting adults…or three or four, or five for that matter, is their business as long as all participants are on the same page and happy with the life they lead. After all, what’s the better option? A bunch of happy people doing their own thing, or a bunch of lawyers getting rich from people’s misery?

I know which option I’d prefer. Miss Kitty’s next Roundup is next summer. Take the leap. See you there. 😉

Mark Fenton
(Creative Non Fiction)